The Green Monster Inside Me

Erica Hamilton
"I'm crying out for help, absolutely drowning and NO ONE will help me."    

Actual thoughts in my head that have turned into real words that I chose to actually speak out loud to my husband.

Hello moment of disrespect. Lashing out in desperation even though he was already heaping on love.

Actual things he had done for me so far that day? Twenty billion and counting.

- Woke the teenagers for school? Check.

- Combed bedhead full of tangles and snarls? Check.

- Took dogs out and cleaned up overnight messes that didn't wait for the backyard? Check.

- Let me sleep in and hide from all responsibilities for three extra hours because the day before had tried to kill me? Check.

Poor pitiful me couldn't see any of that blinded by white-hot rage that twisted and jumbled my insides. I was being spat on and dodging fists of fury for the third time since he had left for work.

He got to leave for work.

He got to help people and get a polite thank you.

He got adult conversation and space to breathe and hear his own thoughts without the chorus of rage and trauma playing as the constant soundtrack of his life.

Frustration bubbled up within me and came out in tense words, short on patience, that built a wall between us. When he tried to express how much my words hurt and how unfair it was to him and the big girls who were desperately trying to help, I simply hung up. (Oh look even more disrespect.) How could he not see how hurt I was? I was drowning. I needed him. Our conversations for the rest of the day were dry and all business. None of the usual warmth, comfort, and solace. The wall of hurt I fabricated in my heart that morning wouldn't allow it.

Later, when he got home for the day, I abandoned ship and ran away. I brushed past him, still hurt and angry. With a quick, "Your turn, peace out," I was gone. (Yup, more disrespect.) I left the messy house that needed to be picked back up after a full day of living, the dinner that needed cooking, the kids that needed shuttling, and the raging child all in his lap. I went for a walk and found a picnic table to sit and spend time in the Word. My extra three hours in bed hiding had left no time for soaking in the life-sustaining words that keep my head above water.

I was transported from sunny park-side bench to the land of Cannon. I walked a familiar path in Genesis 37 with Joseph, the favored son of Israel, as he tattled and bragged his way into a pit. As I sought for a way to connect to Joseph and his story verse 18 jumped out at me.

"...and when they (Joseph's brothers) saw him from a distance, even before he came close to them, they plotted to kill him. "

Turns out I had a lot more in common with the bitter and jealous brothers than I did with the favored son.

You see, Joseph's brothers were willing to kill him, as in commit actual murder, because they were jealous of his status as the 'favorite' son. Fueled, no doubt, by his tattle tale tendencies, the flaunting of his special colorful coat, and incessantly bringing up dreams that spoke of his superiority.

The anger burning hot in my belly wasn't just frustration. It was jealousy that churned my innards. Jealously that blinded me to all that was being done for me. Jealousy blocked my reception of all the sweet and kind acts of love being done for me. Rest assured I didn't have the excuse of a bragging, boastful, favored husband tattling on me. I had just the opposite. A sweet man who was trying his best to do any and everything he could to help me despite the fact helpmeet is in my job description, not his.

I failed to see my husband's sacrificial actions that aided me. I certainly didn't see how he rushed through tasks and failed to work as hard as he wanted and needed to in other areas just so he could come to my rescue as fast as he possibly could.

All I saw was what he had.

What I wanted.

What I couldn't have.

 I may not have been looking to kill my husband, but if allowed to grow, the jealousy certainly has the power to kill our beautiful marriage. My walk home was lighter and my apology crumbled the awful wall between us that strangled the beauty and love and hope between us. So thankful for Jesus who covers my sins, and a husband who forgives me for acting like a jealous, and very foolish, spoiled brat.

What wall do you need to demolish today? What wall are you building to protect your heart that has a foundation of jealousy? Don't let what isn't destroy what is.
I was jealous of alone time and freedom to do things outside of this house that look more important or more valuable, but the truth is, there is nothing I could do that matters more than what I do here. I could go and do anything I want with my life, but this, this is what I chose. What I still choose. No regrets.

My husband was pouring on all the love in all the ways he knew to. And yet I was responding out of my own hurt with nothing but disrespect. Slowly but surely I'm learning to take a posture of respect no matter how I feel. Sometimes, no frequently, my feelings get it wrong.

Lord, forgive my heart of the jealousy. Help me to stifle it. To put it away completely. So anger and rage don't consume me and destroy the beauty you surround me with every day. Help me to be respectful to my husband, even when I am hurt and upset. So that I don't be the reason our marriage is flung into the crazy cycle. Help me to be respectful at all times so I energize my man instead of draining him. 


Kara - July 13th, 2021 at 3:35pm

Erica. This resonates in me so deeply.

Thank you for your is beautiful.

Thank you for your authenticity...I needed to know I am not alone.

Erica - July 14th, 2021 at 11:51am

If you ever need someone to sit in the trenches with you Iā€™m your girl. šŸ’•